My one year old gripped the handles of his trike. Tight. He wanted to stay there. Indefinitely. Cue meltdown?
I'm sure most parents have been there - that moment your little person desires something so much that when you try and move them on they flip out. Loudly and in front of everybody.
What can you do to try and help?
Well, let's think about what it is our little person is trying to tell us as they scream loudly, cry and stamp their feet.
'Mummy, I don't want to leave.'
'Mummy, I'm not ready to move on.'
'Hang on there mum, what's going on? Where are you taking me?!'
Their behaviour tells us that they are sad to leave, that they don't know what is coming next, that the leaving surprised them. If you child is right in the middle of a favourite activity then they won't want to leave it unfinished. Children who don't have the ability to use words are more likely to use this behaviour more, or if you have a tired or sick little one then it might just be easier for them to resort to this than find the mental capacity to put their newly learned words together coherently and effectively.
So in simple ways that children with few words, or who are tired or sick can understand, we need to explain to them that
- we are going to ask them to move on;
- that they need to start finishing up what they are doing;
- what they are going to be doing next;
- that we know it is hard for them to do this and we are impressed when they cope with it.
There are many things you can put in place to support your little one in moving on from one activity to another. In my work as teacher and psychologist I came across a great approach that I am finding incredibly helpful with my son - the 5 Finger Countdown. The theory behind this approach is that you prepare your child for change, you give them time to finish up and move on, and you compliment them for doing this. Here it is...
- Get down to your child's eye level. Get their attention by saying their name.
- Hold 5 fingers up clearly so that your child can see them - this is a great visual cue for them.
- Use simple, positive language to explain what is happening - 'Eli - 5 until we get into the car'. Don't fall into the trap of saying '5 and then no more trike' - this not only focuses more on the behaviour you want to stop, but for children with limited language skills they will have trouble understanding a sentence like this. Always say what you are about to do next, not what you are trying to stop.
- In a reasonable time frame, repeat your statement counting down with your fingers - '4 until... 3 until... 2 until... 1 until... Now it's time for...'. Help your child move on to what you have described. Compliment them for doing this well 'Good job Eli, well done for moving on to the car' and if they still huff and puff a bit, ignore the bluster and give some empathy 'I can see you are finding it hard but you are doing really well moving on'.
In order for this approach to work well, you need to remember a couple of things:
- You will need to teach it - it may not work the first few times because your child is learning what it means;
- You will need to be consistent - you need to always follow through with what you have said. If your child resists moving after you have counted down, and you let them stay, then you are simply teaching them that the countdown means nothing and when they get resistant they get their own way;
- You will need to provide lots of visual cues to reinforce your words. Some children may need visual cues or objects in addition to your 5 fingers - this could be a picture or photo of what they are moving on to, or an object they know represents the next activity (such as the keys for the car). When you are being encouraging and empathetic during the transition giving high fives, or thumbs up, or hugs and kisses.
For more on this approach, or others, just comment below!