When Children Push Your Boundaries

Pushing Boundaries and Strategies to Help.

'He's so defiant'. 'She is so attention-seeking'. 'I swear he is doing it just to make me mad.'

I'm sure you can think of an occasion when your child has really tried to push a boundary you set. Maybe you explained 'no climbing' but for the hundredth time you have to pull them down off the sofa. Or maybe you have said 'no snacks until after tea' - yet you find yourself having to chase them, kicking and screaming, out of the kitchen. 

Why is it children seem compelled to push against boundaries that we set? It is easy to view what they are doing as naughty behaviour - that they are just outright defying us, or trying to get our attention, or even just trying to make us angry.

In fact it is totally normal for children to push, or test out boundaries. Why? 

• Your child is learning about language and communication skills: does what she is saying mean this? Sometimes, children are simply repeating what they are doing to learn about the words, actions and gestures you are using. This is especially true of very young children and children with language and communication difficulties.
• Your child is learning about what they are doing: does the same thing happen every time? Children are natural born scientists. The urge to repeat the experiment is strong for them - does putting their foot up on the sofa mean they can get their bodies up? When they open the fridge door will there always be nice treats in there?
• Your child is learning about you - if she says it does she really mean it? Children aren't just little scientists when it come to investigating the world around them, they are also little social scientists. They want and need to learn how people work, and they especially want to learn about the adults around them who love and care for them most. So by pushing your boundaries, they are finding out things like 'does no mean no?' 'does no still mean no the tenth time?' 'does this person stick to their word?' 'does this person still love me even though I did something they didn't like?'

By understanding that there are reasons for boundary pushing, we can figure out the best ways to deal with this kind of challenging behaviour.

1. The first thing we need to do is view these situations as a learning opportunity rather than naughty behaviour. Your first thought might be 'that scallywag! He's at it again!' but before jumping in with a reprimand, take a second to think 'what is he trying to learn here?' or 'what is there an opportunity to learn here?'
2. If you think that your child is learning about language and communication, then think about what you are saying and doing. Reduce your language - keep it simple, repeat it often and reinforce with gesture. And here's a key tip - rather than saying what you don't want to see (like 'no climbing') say what you do want to see (like 'feet on floor please'). For young children, or children with poor language skills or poor auditory processing skills, their brains will hear key words and respond to them. So if the key word in your sentence is 'climbing' then they may still climb, while if the key word in your sentence is 'floor' - and that is where you are pointing - they are more likely to respond to that.
3. If you think your child is wanting to learn about what they are doing, then see if you can think of an alternative, more appropriate way for them to learn it. For the child trying to climb the sofa, suggest  they practice on their climbing frame outside. 'If you want to do climbing, let's go outside.'
4. As your child will always learn about you in these situations, think about what you want them to believe about you. You probably want them to believe you are calm, in control, patient, loving and consistent. One of the most important things you can do is display empathy and understanding. Dan Hughes, an eminent psychologist in the fields of children and attachment, talks about 'Empathy First'. And in situations when your child is pushing a boundary, you can display empathy in two ways. Firstly, by describing simply what you think your child wants. 'You want to do climbing.' and secondly, by using a sympathetic voice, 'I can see you really want to do climbing but it's not safe. We need to keep our feet on the floor in here.' Even for very young children, knowing that you are trying to understand them and work with them will help them to calm and ultimately move on to doing something more appropriate.

It is easy to dread these situations when they arise. You can dread the conflict you expect - tears, shouting, crying and anger. And you might also feel a sense of guilt about having to say 'no'. But it is crucial for you to remember that this is a good, safe opportunity for your child to learn about how to express and regulate their emotions (more on emotional regulation in a future post!).

By saying 'no' you are giving them a chance to practice coping with disappointment and expressing that disappointment in a socially acceptable way. This will ultimately help guide your child towards great emotional health and well-being. Brilliant!

If you want to see some of these strategies in action, have a look at the short video of Eli. In the video Eli really wants to put his hands into my glass (this is real life folks, so cue messy kitchen and tumble drier in the background!). The boundary I put in place is 'not for our hands, for our mouth.' I think the reasons for his boundary pushing was to learn about the language and gesture I was using, and especially to learn about me. So the strategies you see in this video are about using and repeating simple language and gesture, and about being calm, positive and using lots of praise. Of course, there are ways I could have improved what I was doing in this situation, but I think there were lots of things I did well!

If you are interested in learning more about encouraging good behaviour and reducing unwanted behaviour, raising children.au.net have two great little videos here and here. I offer training for parents and professionals on supporting positive behaviour and building relationships with your child, and if you would like some individual advice that can also be arranged. Please get in touch if you would like to find out more!

Count Down not Melt Down

My one year old gripped the handles of his trike. Tight. He wanted to stay there. Indefinitely. Cue meltdown?

I'm sure most parents have been there - that moment your little person desires something so much that when you try and move them on they flip out. Loudly and in front of everybody.

What can you do to try and help?

Well, let's think about what it is our little person is trying to tell us as they scream loudly, cry and stamp their feet.

'Mummy, I don't want to leave.'

'Mummy, I'm not ready to move on.'

'Hang on there mum, what's going on? Where are you taking me?!'

Their behaviour tells us that they are sad to leave, that they don't know what is coming next, that the leaving surprised them. If you child is right in the middle of a favourite activity then they won't want to leave it unfinished. Children who don't have the ability to use words are more likely to use this behaviour more, or if you have a tired or sick little one then it might just be easier for them to resort to this than find the mental capacity to put their newly learned words together coherently and effectively. 

So in simple ways that children with few words, or who are tired or sick can understand, we need to explain to them that

• we are going to ask them to move on;
• that they need to start finishing up what they are doing;
• what they are going to be doing next;
• that we know it is hard for them to do this and we are impressed when they cope with it.

There are many things you can put in place to support your little one in moving on from one activity to another. In my work as teacher and psychologist I came across a great approach that I am finding incredibly helpful with my son - the 5 Finger Countdown. The theory behind this approach is that you prepare your child for change, you give them time to finish up and move on, and you compliment them for doing this. Here it is...

1. Get down to your child's eye level. Get their attention by saying their name.
2. Hold 5 fingers up clearly so that your child can see them - this is a great visual cue for them.
3. Use simple, positive language to explain what is happening - 'Eli - 5 until we get into the car'. Don't fall into the trap of saying '5 and then no more trike' - this not only focuses more on the behaviour you want to stop, but for children with limited language skills they will have trouble understanding a sentence like this. Always say what you are about to do next, not what you are trying to stop.
4. In a reasonable time frame, repeat your statement counting down with your fingers - '4 until... 3 until... 2 until... 1 until... Now it's time for...'. Help your child move on to what you have described. Compliment them for doing this well 'Good job Eli, well done for moving on to the car' and if they still huff and puff a bit, ignore the bluster and give some empathy 'I can see you are finding it hard but you are doing really well moving on'.

In order for this approach to work well, you need to remember a couple of things:

• You will need to teach it - it may not work the first few times because your child is learning what it means;
• You will need to be consistent - you need to always follow through with what you have said. If your child resists moving after you have counted down, and you let them stay, then you are simply teaching them that the countdown means nothing and when they get resistant they get their own way;
• You will need to provide lots of visual cues to reinforce your words. Some children may need visual cues or objects in addition to your 5 fingers - this could be a picture or photo of what they are moving on to, or an object they know represents the next activity (such as the keys for the car). When you are being encouraging and empathetic during the transition giving high fives, or thumbs up, or hugs and kisses.

For more on this approach, or others, just comment below!