When Children Push Your Boundaries

Pushing Boundaries and Strategies to Help.

'He's so defiant'. 'She is so attention-seeking'. 'I swear he is doing it just to make me mad.'

I'm sure you can think of an occasion when your child has really tried to push a boundary you set. Maybe you explained 'no climbing' but for the hundredth time you have to pull them down off the sofa. Or maybe you have said 'no snacks until after tea' - yet you find yourself having to chase them, kicking and screaming, out of the kitchen. 

Why is it children seem compelled to push against boundaries that we set? It is easy to view what they are doing as naughty behaviour - that they are just outright defying us, or trying to get our attention, or even just trying to make us angry.

In fact it is totally normal for children to push, or test out boundaries. Why? 

• Your child is learning about language and communication skills: does what she is saying mean this? Sometimes, children are simply repeating what they are doing to learn about the words, actions and gestures you are using. This is especially true of very young children and children with language and communication difficulties.
• Your child is learning about what they are doing: does the same thing happen every time? Children are natural born scientists. The urge to repeat the experiment is strong for them - does putting their foot up on the sofa mean they can get their bodies up? When they open the fridge door will there always be nice treats in there?
• Your child is learning about you - if she says it does she really mean it? Children aren't just little scientists when it come to investigating the world around them, they are also little social scientists. They want and need to learn how people work, and they especially want to learn about the adults around them who love and care for them most. So by pushing your boundaries, they are finding out things like 'does no mean no?' 'does no still mean no the tenth time?' 'does this person stick to their word?' 'does this person still love me even though I did something they didn't like?'

By understanding that there are reasons for boundary pushing, we can figure out the best ways to deal with this kind of challenging behaviour.

1. The first thing we need to do is view these situations as a learning opportunity rather than naughty behaviour. Your first thought might be 'that scallywag! He's at it again!' but before jumping in with a reprimand, take a second to think 'what is he trying to learn here?' or 'what is there an opportunity to learn here?'
2. If you think that your child is learning about language and communication, then think about what you are saying and doing. Reduce your language - keep it simple, repeat it often and reinforce with gesture. And here's a key tip - rather than saying what you don't want to see (like 'no climbing') say what you do want to see (like 'feet on floor please'). For young children, or children with poor language skills or poor auditory processing skills, their brains will hear key words and respond to them. So if the key word in your sentence is 'climbing' then they may still climb, while if the key word in your sentence is 'floor' - and that is where you are pointing - they are more likely to respond to that.
3. If you think your child is wanting to learn about what they are doing, then see if you can think of an alternative, more appropriate way for them to learn it. For the child trying to climb the sofa, suggest  they practice on their climbing frame outside. 'If you want to do climbing, let's go outside.'
4. As your child will always learn about you in these situations, think about what you want them to believe about you. You probably want them to believe you are calm, in control, patient, loving and consistent. One of the most important things you can do is display empathy and understanding. Dan Hughes, an eminent psychologist in the fields of children and attachment, talks about 'Empathy First'. And in situations when your child is pushing a boundary, you can display empathy in two ways. Firstly, by describing simply what you think your child wants. 'You want to do climbing.' and secondly, by using a sympathetic voice, 'I can see you really want to do climbing but it's not safe. We need to keep our feet on the floor in here.' Even for very young children, knowing that you are trying to understand them and work with them will help them to calm and ultimately move on to doing something more appropriate.

It is easy to dread these situations when they arise. You can dread the conflict you expect - tears, shouting, crying and anger. And you might also feel a sense of guilt about having to say 'no'. But it is crucial for you to remember that this is a good, safe opportunity for your child to learn about how to express and regulate their emotions (more on emotional regulation in a future post!).

By saying 'no' you are giving them a chance to practice coping with disappointment and expressing that disappointment in a socially acceptable way. This will ultimately help guide your child towards great emotional health and well-being. Brilliant!

If you want to see some of these strategies in action, have a look at the short video of Eli. In the video Eli really wants to put his hands into my glass (this is real life folks, so cue messy kitchen and tumble drier in the background!). The boundary I put in place is 'not for our hands, for our mouth.' I think the reasons for his boundary pushing was to learn about the language and gesture I was using, and especially to learn about me. So the strategies you see in this video are about using and repeating simple language and gesture, and about being calm, positive and using lots of praise. Of course, there are ways I could have improved what I was doing in this situation, but I think there were lots of things I did well!

If you are interested in learning more about encouraging good behaviour and reducing unwanted behaviour, raising children.au.net have two great little videos here and here. I offer training for parents and professionals on supporting positive behaviour and building relationships with your child, and if you would like some individual advice that can also be arranged. Please get in touch if you would like to find out more!

Learning to Play

Babies and children play all the time. Putting stuff together, taking them apart, dropping and throwing things, putting stuff inside other stuff, hiding, squashing, tasting, rolling... and all the time, they are learning. They are doing science, figuring out the rules of the world - the physical, social, emotional world.

So as their parents, or teachers, or carers, we need to help children get the most from their play. We need to make it interesting, satisfying, challenging, exciting, and most of all - fun!

I know, however - from my own experience, as well as when training other parents, that playing with your little one can be daunting. Personally, I grew up a tomboy. I loved to run, cycle, jump in puddles, build dens and read books. My biggest role models were people who went on big adventures, discovering, fixing and exploring. So when, for the first time in my professional capacity, I had to sit down beside a 6 year old and play with a doll's house, I realised I had absolutely no idea what to do. Just how DO you play with a doll's house?!

What I came to experience - and later, learned from my reading and training, was that it didn't matter that I didn't know. I could still make this play time fun, interesting and a great learning opportunity.

Remember, children learn much more from play than you can imagine. More than naming objects, counting and shape sorting. They are also learning:

• social skills - turn taking, sharing, cooperating, helping;
• emotional skills - how to cope when things don't go as they planned, naming their own emotions, understanding how others are feeling;
• physical skills - hand-eye coordination, motor sequencing and control, strengthening their muscles;
• attention and concentration skills - how to concentrate for longer periods of time, how to move their attention from one thing to another, how to share attention with another person;
• behaviour skills - what it is and isn't OK to do;
• imaginative, creative and problem solving skills - how to figure out solutions to problems, dreaming about the possible and impossible;
• perseverence - keeping going even when things get tough.

Here are some tips for how to play with your children well:

1. Be an interested observer. Watch your child closely. Raise your eyebrows and smile - they may have repeated the same thing 15 times but you still need to show the same enthusiasm for it! Sit close to them and make appreciative sounds. Giving your child positive attention is one of their greatest pleasures, so by being attentive to them you are automatically making it more fun and rewarding. This means they will keep playing, and therefore keep learning!
2. Follow your child's lead. You don't need to come up with all the ideas. In fact, the expert in play is not you - it's your child, so let them lead. They might hand you objects, or tell you what to do with them. Go with it. If they are building then help them, or build beside them. This will help you move at a pace that is good for them, and help you ensure that the activity isn't too easy or too hard for them.
3. Say what you see. Don't fall into the trap of asking a thousand questions - 'what colour is that? What is that shape called? How many do you have?' Try, instead, to name what you see. 'Oh - you put the red brick on the top'. '1,2,3...4 - 4 balls!' This will teach your child vocabulary, putting them under no pressure to answer questions, or get answers wrong. This will make play time more relaxed while still giving lots of learning opportunities.
4. Restrict play options. Have you ever walked into a restaurant with an enormous menu, felt totally overwhelmed with choice, and end up ordering something you didn't want? Children's attention and concentration skills take years to mature and it can be really helpful for them if you limit their choices. For the little ones who are still depending on you to get around, this might mean setting two or three toys near to them to pick from. For the older ones, it may mean putting their toys on 'rotation' and having only some out at a time for them to choose from. This make sit easier for them to make choices, makes it easier for them to stay focused on the activity for longer periods of time and so helps them get more from their play time.
5. Turn off the telly. I'm not saying that you shouldn't let your child watch TV, but it is much better for them if it isn't on in the background during play time. Children get distracted easily by everything so if you have the TV on while they are playing they will frequently get distracted from their play to listen or watch. This will disrupt their sequence of play and affect their exploration and learning.

So I am going to set you a play time homework! Sit down with your child, today or tomorrow. Set a timer for one minute and in that one minute, ask NO questions. Difficult? Don't worry, keep practising!

For more tips on how to be an effective play partner, comment below or get in touch. The parent training sessions go into this in depth and will give you an opportunity to really hone your skills as a play partner, no matter what  age and ability your child is.

Sure Signs

As a parent, one of the most exciting things I have been blessed to experience is the sound of my child's first words. But the development of language doesn't start with a child's first words, it begins right at the start.

How can we help our children develop stronger language skills? How can we help them become skilled communicators with others - attentive listeners, good at expressing themselves, switched on to social cues and signs?

There are lots of ways in which you can help your children in this area, but I want to mention very briefly how effective signing with your baby or child can be. Why should you think about signing?

Children learn to understand what you are saying long before they are able to use words themselves. But somewhere in between understanding and speaking, they usually start using their body to tell you things. They will learn to point at objects to show you what they want. Or they might start waving 'Bye bye' to let you know they see you leaving. They might raise their hands up in the air to request that you lift them up and they might clamp their mouths shut and shake their head 'no' when you attempt to give them medicine.

Signing with your baby and child builds on the idea that children achieve control over how they move their body muscles earlier than their readiness for speech. Heard of the Terrible Twos? This is often attributed to children who know what they want to say but don't yet have the skills to say it - resulting in frustration and often what we see as naughty behaviour. If you have an older child who has been slow to develop language skills, you are likely to have seen them exhibit frustration at not being able to express their needs and desires sufficiently many times.

There are a number of different options available when it comes to thinking about using signs with your baby and child. Having received a little training in Makaton, this is the one that was easiest for me to run with. I simply used the ones I remembered, right from the beginning. I used them singing nursery rhymes, I used them when we were eating, and when we were playing together. There was no doubt that as a very little baby, Eli paid a lot of attention to my hand gestures as well as my face. Using the signs forced me to slow my rate of speech down and reduce sentences down to key words.

As Eli got a little older, I noticed him attempting signs - with the first very clear one being 'more' (at around 7 months old - see the video below). he used this to get more food, to get more play, to get, well...more! This is still his favourite one and he is now combining it with other signs - 'more grapes', 'more toast and cheese'. This has helped him express himself and helped me (and others) understand him better. You can watch Eli at around 7 months old having a good go at signs for 'more' and 'water'.

Eli continues to use his signs now, alongside the words he is beginning to say. His understanding of language seems very good and sometimes when he is tired or over-excited using signs for him helps him to focus and understand. I have heard others suggest that if children are learning signs they 'won't bother' to learn how to say the words. I can strongly advocate that signs are an additional, complementary form of communication that actually help with the learning of words. Signing also helps children pay attention to people's faces and bodies that will assist them in identifying social cues from others.

If you have an older child who has been slower to develop their language skills, signing can not only help with their language acquisition, but can also reduce frustration and behaviour difficulties through giving them an additional way to communicate and understand.

You can find out more about signing in local community groups that teach baby signing, or you can ask me if you are interested in finding out more. Mr Tumble might also be able to help you out!

Count Down not Melt Down

My one year old gripped the handles of his trike. Tight. He wanted to stay there. Indefinitely. Cue meltdown?

I'm sure most parents have been there - that moment your little person desires something so much that when you try and move them on they flip out. Loudly and in front of everybody.

What can you do to try and help?

Well, let's think about what it is our little person is trying to tell us as they scream loudly, cry and stamp their feet.

'Mummy, I don't want to leave.'

'Mummy, I'm not ready to move on.'

'Hang on there mum, what's going on? Where are you taking me?!'

Their behaviour tells us that they are sad to leave, that they don't know what is coming next, that the leaving surprised them. If you child is right in the middle of a favourite activity then they won't want to leave it unfinished. Children who don't have the ability to use words are more likely to use this behaviour more, or if you have a tired or sick little one then it might just be easier for them to resort to this than find the mental capacity to put their newly learned words together coherently and effectively. 

So in simple ways that children with few words, or who are tired or sick can understand, we need to explain to them that

• we are going to ask them to move on;
• that they need to start finishing up what they are doing;
• what they are going to be doing next;
• that we know it is hard for them to do this and we are impressed when they cope with it.

There are many things you can put in place to support your little one in moving on from one activity to another. In my work as teacher and psychologist I came across a great approach that I am finding incredibly helpful with my son - the 5 Finger Countdown. The theory behind this approach is that you prepare your child for change, you give them time to finish up and move on, and you compliment them for doing this. Here it is...

1. Get down to your child's eye level. Get their attention by saying their name.
2. Hold 5 fingers up clearly so that your child can see them - this is a great visual cue for them.
3. Use simple, positive language to explain what is happening - 'Eli - 5 until we get into the car'. Don't fall into the trap of saying '5 and then no more trike' - this not only focuses more on the behaviour you want to stop, but for children with limited language skills they will have trouble understanding a sentence like this. Always say what you are about to do next, not what you are trying to stop.
4. In a reasonable time frame, repeat your statement counting down with your fingers - '4 until... 3 until... 2 until... 1 until... Now it's time for...'. Help your child move on to what you have described. Compliment them for doing this well 'Good job Eli, well done for moving on to the car' and if they still huff and puff a bit, ignore the bluster and give some empathy 'I can see you are finding it hard but you are doing really well moving on'.

In order for this approach to work well, you need to remember a couple of things:

• You will need to teach it - it may not work the first few times because your child is learning what it means;
• You will need to be consistent - you need to always follow through with what you have said. If your child resists moving after you have counted down, and you let them stay, then you are simply teaching them that the countdown means nothing and when they get resistant they get their own way;
• You will need to provide lots of visual cues to reinforce your words. Some children may need visual cues or objects in addition to your 5 fingers - this could be a picture or photo of what they are moving on to, or an object they know represents the next activity (such as the keys for the car). When you are being encouraging and empathetic during the transition giving high fives, or thumbs up, or hugs and kisses.

For more on this approach, or others, just comment below!

POOP!

One of the many joys of being a parent - poop!

You hear all the messy stories from other new parents - the explosive right-up-his-back nappy, the colour, consistency, smell...

But have you heard of Elimination Communication?

Elimination Communicaton (EC) has meant that we haven't had to clean up a dirty nappy since Eli was about 4 months old. Yes, you heard right - Eli has been pooping in a toilet since he was 4 months old!

No, this is not baby voodoo, neither is Eli some kind of baby genius. In very simple terms, it's an approach that helps young children and their adults communicate effectively about toileting.

Why did I decide to do this?

As a Child and Educational Psychologist I continue to learn (and be astounded) at how well children can communicate if we watch and listen carefully. Their potential as a social partner is immense, right from the beginning. Way before children learn to speak they learn to understand and use signs (such as 'Bye Bye') so it made sense to me that we could tap into all this potential.

A good friend of ours had already used this approach successfully with her children (go Sandy!) and after a bit of research I decided I didn't have anything to lose.

The steps we have taken so far are:

0-2 Months: Adjust to having a new baby. Figure out how to put nappies on the right way around.

2-4 Months: let the baby bum get some air time - when it suits. For me, that was during a feed. If Eli started going to the toilet, I would make the associated sound (we used 'Psss' and 'plop plop')

3+ Months: offer the potty/toilet at as many nappy changes as possible. We held Eli over the toilet and made the associating sounds. We cheered him for trying and made a big deal when he went to the toilet.

9+ Months: bring baby to the toilet when they request it.

By 6 months max. Eli was definitely anticipating the offer of the toilet and I felt he was saving his poops for these times.

By 8/9 months old Eli had learned the word and Makaton symbol for 'toilet'. He could walk to the toilet (holding on to a finger for support) to indicate that he needed to go.

Now at just over a year old, Eli will nod 'yes' or shake 'no' in response the the question 'do you need to go to the toilet?'. He will ask 'up' and point in the direction of the bathroom if he needs to get there quick sharp. We have had the odd completely dry night and the odd dry nappy during the day - although we are still a way off being fully toilet trained yet!

Eli has no fears of the toilet or the potty and shows really good awareness of his own body and bowel movements. We both love being able to understand his needs clearly and I love not having to clean up after a messy nappy!

If you want to find out more about Elimination Communication this website may be a helpful start. Alternatively, feel free to comment or ask me for more information and I will try and help you.