Flipping their lid, having a melt down, losing their bap...whatever you call it, it is never nice to see a child or young person fall apart in front of you. I have seen children so upset that they are screaming, shouting, kicking, thumping, throwing, breaking, biting, swearing, urinating, defacating...
And the thing is, not only is it a horrible experience for the child, it is awful to witness. You yourself can feel embarrassed, hopeless, ashamed and angry.
When we think about this feeling of being so angry or distressed that we ‘lose control’ we are in fact talking about emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is simply being able to express your emotions effectively and appropriately, and the ability to bring yourself to calm.
Emotional regulation is something we all need to learn.
Children are not born with the ability to regulate. They are born with their brains only partially grown and in particular the areas of the brain responsible for emotional regulation and social interaction are those that have some of the most growing to do. A brain has done most of its growing by the age of three, which is why the early years are so important, but a brain is not fully matured until a person is in their early twenties. So this means that parents and professionals need to continue to support the emotional growth of a child or young person throughout their lives.
So while we might expect the odd temper tantrum for a two year old we are more concerned about the same behaviour from an eight year old.
What should I do to support the development of my child’s emotional regulation skills?
Here are a few strategies to get you going.
Help your child learn about the emotions they are feeling.
As adults, most of us can usually name how we are feeling. We feel what is gong on in our bodies, we know why we might be experiencing this, and we have words to describe it all.
Children are still developing these skills. Two year olds can experience negative emotions but not have the ability to tell you with words. Seven year olds might be learning to differentiate between emotions such as anger, shame and fear.
We can help by noticing what our child is feeling, and telling them what this is (and why, if you can). With little ones, we do this through expressing them same emotion back to them. If they cry, we reflect back a concerned face, say ‘aw’ and offer them comfort. If they are smiling or laughing, we respond with a wide smile, clap and a ‘yay’. As they get older, we can tell them with words - ‘I see you are feeling excited about this’, ‘oh dear you look sad about that’. This helps children to interpret the feelings they have inside their bodies and give a name to them. Eventually, they will start naming their emotions for themselves. And this is just as important for all the happy feelings as well as the uncomfortable ones.
Behave in front of them like you want them to behave in front of you.
Children learn from observation and in their interactions with you. In fact, in the early years, what they learn becomes a template for the rest of their lives. So we can take advantage of this by thinking about what we model in front of our children. If we usually scream and shout when we feel cross, then that’s what our children will learn. But if instead we name the feeling and deal with it, then this will become our child’s ‘normal’.
By doing this, we are helping our children understand that it is ok for them to feel the feelings, but not ok to express them in certain ways. I have learned to say things like ‘I feel a bit cross right now because I have dropped my plate and made a big mess. I’m going to take a couple of big breaths to calm down a bit then I’ll tidy it up and try again.’ I vary my tone and expression to match the feeling because this is all information that will help the children I work with learn about their own feelings and how to express them.
Note: Don’t feel guilty though in those times when you do ‘lose it’! There are always times when get things get too much for us, and that’s just fine as long as it isn’t our ‘normal’.
3. Incorporate feelings into everyday stuff
Help your child to tune in more to the emotions being expressed around them. If they are watching something on TV, or reading a book, reference an emotion in it. For example, ‘oh dear, Peppa seems a bit cross. I wonder what happened.’ Or. ‘I wonder how it made Harry feel when he found out what Ron said’. This will cultivate empathy and understanding.
Be creative - inject some emotions conversations into activities you do. With little ones you can role play these in their make believe games. When you are drawing and colouring, use colour to express emotions (eg. ‘I’m going to make him blue in his tummy because he is feeling sad’).
What should I do when my child or young person has a meltdown?
Keep them, and everyone else safe.
If they might hurt themselves on a nearby chair or object, move it away. If they are likely to be physically aggressive, then give them space to reduce the possibility of them harming you or anyone else.
Remember what they are trying to tell you by their behaviour.
It’s hard, because of how you are feeling when this happens, but try and remember that the feeling they are having is valid, even though you don’t like how they are expressing it. They are using behaviour to express their emotion. So think about what it is they are feeling and name it. ‘You are feeling so disappointed right now.’
Wait.
When we are feeling highly emotional, it is difficult to listen effectively to what others are saying. If you have ever received bad news then you might have experienced this. Someone tells you something very sad and it is almost like your thoughts ‘freeze’. Only afterwards do you realise you took in almost none of the details.
Your child or young person will be the same, and there is often little point in trying to reason, explain or say much else when their emotions have peaked. Instead you can repeat with empathy ‘I can see you are really hurting right now. I’m here to help’. Offer them physical comfort, or a little space - whatever you know is right for them in that moment.
When their breathing is starting to calm and they look like they are beginning to settle, be a comfort for them. At this point often feelings of anger have turned to sadness and embarrassment and this is the time to just be there for them.
Once it’s all settled a bit, talk about it. It might seem strange to wait so long before addressing that the behaviour was not appropriate, but research tells us that it can take up to 40 minutes for a person to come back to a calm state after being highly emotional, and that any attempts during this settling time to confront the problem can result in the person returning to the emotional state they were in.
Tell them what you saw and talk about why they might have felt like that. Validate the emotion and talk about a different way to deal with it; for example trying to tell you using words, or taking big deep breaths. If you practice mindfulness activities (see previous blog!) then you are equipping your child with lots of tools they can use when they are feeling very emotional to help them express themselves and regulate.
You may also need to respond with consequences. For example, if they made a mess they will need to tidy it up, or they may need to apologise to someone they hurt. Remember that this will be very hard for the child or young person to do alone, so help them with it.
Extra notes for your teenager
Your teenager’s brain is a wonder to behold, and during this time it is going through a massive restructure. This has a big impact in particular on their ability to interpret others’ emotions and regulate their own. If you want to find out more check out ‘Blame my brain’ by Nicola Morgan, Readable both for parents and teenagers.
Further reading
‘The Great Big Book of Feelings’ (Mary Hoffman and Ros Asquith) - a great book for parents/professionals and children to use together to talk and learn about feelings
‘How are feeling today?’ (Molly Potter) - a book for parents/professionals and children/young people to use together to learn about feelings
‘The Huge bag of worries’ (Virginia Ironside) - fiction book for young children to talk about feeling worried/anxious
‘Anger Management Games for Children’ (Deborah M. Plummer) - handbook for professionals working with children/young teens
‘Why Love Matters’ (Sue Gerhardt) - a slightly heavy but really important read for parents/professionals on the important of relationships in shaping brains
‘Brainstorm’ (Daniel J. Siegel) - find out all about the mysteries of the adolescent brain!