‘Stay alert and stay safe’: maintain a social distance. Or should we?
This message has bothered me a lot in the past couple of months, and only yesterday was I able to put into words why.
Because of this: humans need to be connected to other humans.
That’s what we have learned from research. Being connected to other humans helps our brains and bodies to regulate. It helps us to feel safe. This is the core of the work I do and this is what I see evidenced over and over again.
But right now we are being told that we need to be socially distant in order to stay safe. This is a paradoxical situation, says Stephen Porges (author of the Polyvagal Theory - see his website for more info).
Our bodies feel under threat right now, and we are being told we need to isolate to stay safe. Yet our bodies have learned that feelings of safety typically come from connecting with others.
Being socially distant from others means we are unable to connect with another person to co-regulate. Instead, our bodies carry unresolved feelings of constant threat, and are therefore unable to shift into a healthier physiological state. Our bodies stay primed for flight or fight. This can result in problems such as feelings of anxiety, irritability, difficulty following instructions, concentration, being easily distracted, self-medicating, and becoming oppositional.
So how can we resolve this?
Changing one word: being physically distanced, not socially distanced
In a recent webinar, Stephen Porges talked about the language that is being used to advise us all on staying safe. What is the difference between telling someone they need to be physically distant, versus telling them they need to be socially distant?
Put simply, you can be physically distant but still seek and maintain social connection.
Our children (and us) need to remember that it is not just OK to socially connected - it is important.
Physical distance will keep our bodies safer from Coronavirus, social connection will protect our mental and emotional well-being.
Develop strategies to connect at a distance
We pick up so many non-verbal and verbal cues when we are looking at someone else’s body and face. This is how we attune to another person, and when we are attuned our bodies feel safe. We turn off our defences and our bodies are able to maintain a physiological state that supports health, growth and restoration.
But in this current time, many of these social cues have been taken away from us.
Masks hide our facial expressions and muffle our tone of voice; video calls focus only on the face and not what the rest of the body is doing.
Synchronicity and reciprocity is more difficult to sustain on video links and we find ourselves stumbling over one another and feeling unsure about how the other person is feeling and what they are thinking during our conversation. If we are mindful of the cues that are missing in our interactions, we can compensate for them. This might involve being more expressive with our faces and bodies, or by explicitly saying what we are thinking and feeling rather than relying on non-verbal cues to convey the message.
What is my facial expression here? How am I feeling? The challenges of effective communication in a pandemic.
3. Develop awareness of the body’s response to the feeling of being unsafe.
When I meet a child for the first time I work hard at helping that child to connect with me, to feel safe. I do this through my tone of voice, facial expression, body position and physical proximity amongst other things. But if I am working with a child virtually, or am working with a mask on, that is so much more difficult.
Polyvagal theory explains that when a person’s body feels under threat (feels unsafe) there are many physiological effects. A person might appear hypervigilant, distractible, irritable or anxious. They might be impulsive, have difficulty listening and have difficulty following verbal commands. I need to be mindful that if a child is presenting with these kinds of behaviours, it may be an expression of their feeling of being unsafe.
In response, we need to work at increasing the feeling of safety. One way to do this is through predictability. Explain to a child what they are going to encounter: ‘When we go to the doctors, she will be wearing a mask on her face and gloves on her hands. She is using this to help keep us all safe.’ Our bodies love feeling prepared.
We can also work at helping our children ‘read’ social cues. This can be done in real life interactions with others, but just as easily can be practiced when reading books and watching TV. Ask your child how someone is feeling or what they might be thinking. How do you know this? What are the little non-verbal cues we were picking up on to learn that?
4. Easing of restrictions may feel like a time of celebration for many, but remember that our bodies may perceive this as a heightened threat.
We can go to the beach? Visit our grandparents again? Wonderful! Except, our brains and bodies may not think this is wonderful.
Our brains and bodies may instead be feeling more under threat (after all, we have been told to stay away from other people for months now). Right when you expect your child to be happy, excited and more cooperative you instead might find them acting out and becoming socially withdrawn. So talk to your children about what is happening. Use books, engage in pretend play about it (let your child role play with masks). Edpsy.org.uk have compiled a great bunch of resources for children of all ages and abilities ( as well as advice for parents). Lead by example and show your children how to be safe when they are out and about. Convey feelings of confidence and safety to them when you are out. Remember to choose words carefully when you are speaking to others about the situation and consider their exposure to the news. Rather than giving them a list of what they can’t do, summarise what they can do (talk to others, play and have fun at an arm’s length away, sneeze into your elbow, step back if someone is getting very close etc).
5. Engage in activities that calm the body
Activities that calm the body also calm the mind. They help our bodies to regulate. So get into a routine of practicing something like yoga or mindfulness. Dance in the kitchen to your favourite song. Listen to music that brings you joy and sing along.
Make lots of time for play. Hug the people in your bubble.
Meet at a physical distance with others. Get your brain and body into a predictable routine.
Mask or no mask, I’m looking forward to seeing you all again!
This post is based on the webinar by Stephen Porges at the Virtual Trauma Summit, (June 2020).