Using Vulnerability to make Resilient Children.
The word 'vulnerable' often has many negative connotations for people, and is certainly not the first word that comes to mind if someone asks you 'what do you want for your child?' Rather, we would prefer our children to be known as resilient, strong people with self-belief and the willingness to 'get out there' and experience all they can.
I recently listened to a podcast with Brene Brown (researcher in the area of shame and vulnerability - link to the podcast here). She spoke about her life-changing research into vulnerability. To my interest, she explained that her research indicated that if we want to raise brave, engaged individuals, then - paradoxically, what we actually need to do is give them the experience of being vulnerable.
What does this mean?
Brene isn't talking about being gullible, naive, weak, frail or getting hurt. Rather, she describes vulnerability as 'courage, the ability to show up and be seen in our lives...powerful, meaning-making moments - even if they don't go well.' To help explain it, she encourages you to consider: 'Think about the last time you did something really brave, or saw someone do something really brave.' She said that in 11,000 pieces of data, she was unable to find a single example of courage that was not borne completely of vulnerability.
Maybe I paid extra attention to this podcast because of my recent move into independent working. Leaving a secure, interesting and challenging job was not an easy decision. This certainly feels like a vulnerable moment for me in my life. Yet I also feel brave, invigorated and determined. I have a suspicion already that it will probably be tough, exhausting and stressful at times, and I also believe that in years to come I will look back at this moment with a sense of achievement. This decision is becoming a significant part of the fabric of Who I Am.
When you practice being vulnerable, you practice having the courage to take risks, aware that what you are doing might not succeed and may result in disappointment. Not only does it give you opportunities to experience a real sense of achievement, it is also likely to lead into moments when you learn about how to overcome set backs, and learn how to think about failures. It helps you shift your thinking from 'if it fails, I have failed' to 'it could fail, but that doesn't make me nothing'.
Learning resilience does not only apply to your working life, it also plays a crucial role in your approach to relationships. Speaking on relationships, Brene said this:
'Show me a woman who can sit with a man...in deep fear... and be with him in it, I will show you a woman who...does not derive her power from that man. And if you show me a man who can sit with a woman in deep struggle...and not try to fix it, but just hear her and...be with her, I'll show you a man who...doesn't derive his power from controlling and fixing everything.'
Yet we know that being these emotionally strong and competent adults, with the capacity for healthy relationships with others does not begin in adulthood. It begins at the beginning, in your relationship with your parents and in the experiences, beliefs, attitudes and approach to life they raise you with.
So how do you help your child be vulnerable?
How, as a teacher or parent, can we then protect our children but also raise them to be willing to be vulnerable - to 'put themselves out there'? How do we raise them to be courageous, strong adults?
- It is understandable that you want to try and create a perfect, pain-free world around your child. But how your child grows and learns about themselves is by experiencing - in little doses, struggles that they need to figure out and learn from. You might want to intervene and rescue your child straight away when things go wrong (and of course sometimes this is the right thing to do!) but it is so much more helpful to coach, advise and encourage your child through this. Instead of learning 'I need someone to fix my problems' they are learning 'With help, I can fix my problems'.
- Teach your child how to assess the risk/situation in advance if possible. For example, if your child really wants to try out for a sports team, then help them to think about the different factors involved - have they been practicing? Do they think they are good? Are they willing to put in lots of hard work? This will encourage them, and teach them how to weigh up a situation carefully before entering in to it.
- Talk your child through disappointment, rather than shielding them from it. Do they want to try out for the sports team you don't think they'll get on to? Rather than suggesting they don't try out, help them to reflect on it themselves, and if they are keen to give it a go then help them as best you can. If they don't make it on to them team, then help them manage their disappointment. A 'disappointment ritual' can be very effective here:
- Name the feeling you see - 'You look sad.'
- Name why you think they might be feeling that - 'Maybe it's because you didn't make the team this time.'
- Validate the emotion but help them to look for positives as well - 'it is disappointing when things don't work out as you hoped. But now you have time to do that art course you were thinking about. And I can help you practice so you can try out again next time if you want.'
- Celebrate their willingness to give it a try, rather than focusing on the measure of success. 'I really like how you put in so much practice and tried out for the school play'. 'It was so brave of you to ask the other girls in class if you could join in the game.'
Walking their way to resilience
Perhaps one of the earliest examples of encouraging your child to put themselves in a vulnerable place is when they are learning to walk. Just a handful of months old, many children experience the drive to propel themselves forward, on their own two feet - just like all of those bigger people around them. They can sense the world at their fingertips and are yearning to explore it with a never before felt sense of freedom.
How do we support our little ones at this stage of life? We help steady them, hold their hands as they take those first steps and encourage them to give it a go. We help them to look out for the stairs and sharp corners, pointing out the risks to them as they move around. We start letting go when we sense they are ready, and cover our eyes as they take their first stumbles. And when they fall we cheer them on for their hard work, help them brush themselves down and watch with admiration as they try, again and again, until one day they are walking confidently by themselves.
And through this, the child learns a huge sense of achievement. They learn perseverence, they learn about looking out for dangers and risks in their environment, and they learn when to ask for help. They learn that hard work pays off and that there are people around them who love and care for them.
Surely, this is the beginning of becoming a brave, resilient and courageous person!
Brene Brown speaks in the podcast On Being which you can listen to here.